memories shared

I wrote this originally to read at Adam's funeral. I opted not to last minute as I did not feel like I would be able to finish. I am posting it here though, because I did write it for others to hear about Adam.

When I found out that I was pregnant with Adam, I sat on the floor and cried. This baby was wanted - planned, even, but I was so scared. Marty watched me for a couple of minutes, then he picked up Ezekiel, helped me off the floor and just danced with us in the livingroom. "This is our first dance as a family of four" he whispered.

For 5 months we marveled at the wonder of the situation. Ezekiel was a miracle baby. How was it that we were being blessed by another miracle? We planned our baby's future, we picked out the outfit he would wear home from the hospital. We spent many hours researching the best double strollers. Marty would kiss my belly and tell Ezekiel secrets about the new baby that was on the way. I would be woken up at night by the baby kicking. I'd whisper to go to sleep, be active in the morning.

I felt Adam kick on Monday, October 8th. On Tuesday, October 9th, my doctor couldn't find a heartbeat. I didn't know Adam's name until he was born - October 9th at 10:17 p.m. He never had a first breath. Our first kiss was shared after his death. When we were discharged from the hospital, we didn't need a car seat - the small box of mementos from his birth sat alone on the back seat.

Adam came into our lives for just a moment. A blink really. But he forever changed us. Our hearts are broken with the loss of him. Every day, they are freshly broken - when Marty reaches out to stroke my belly and then realization hits, when I feel my stomach gurgles and for just a moment I think I am being kicked.

Adam brought us hope. Love. He is our second miracle. I would pray every night that Adam would be happy, healthy, and whole. God answered my prayers - just not the way I wanted.

Forever, we are Adam's family

Someday, I know we will dance again.

The graveyard where Adam is buried (he is in the Children's Section)


Adam's grave (we do not have a stone for his grave yet)


Another pic of the little grave - the flowers were arranged by Ezekiel.


Ezekiel, waiting to go for a walk through the graveyard.


The Crocodile Tears Memory Wall at St. Mary's Hospital. All the plaques are children that have been lost.


Adam's plaque:


Ezekiel and Marty at the Memory Garden:


Ezekiel really, really wants the gourd in the Garden:


He didn't get the gourd - so he is showing his displeasure:

Adam Moses Matthews

Firstly, no, I don't really want to be sharing this.

Secondly, I do understand that people care (the phone calls are starting) and although that and this are difficult, we do appreciate people.

On that - last night, I had a beautiful, perfectly formed little guy that we named Adam. He was stillborn. Marty and I both feel shattered and we both appreciate your respect and your excitement back when we were still expecting him.

An Update on Little

In 2 days, Ezekiel will be 10 months old! That amazes me, it feels like yesterday that I was meeting him for the first time.

A couple of weeks ago, he had his 9 month old appointment. He weighed in at 25 lbs and is 30 inches long. We didn't have Dr. Tony this round (Pediatrics Associates had forgotten to schedule his 9 month appointment, so they had to get him in last minute with any available doctor). We had Dr. Margot. She got quite the kick out of Ezekiel. At first, she thought we were exaggerating at his progress. We told her that he stands by himself, he cruises on furniture, he eats whatever we are eating (I don't mash his food or anything, just cut it into bite size pieces), and he has walked some on his own. Then we told her that he is already talking, and that he loves to whistle - that is when we saw the disbelief. She asked what he says for words and we told her "arf, arf", "hello", "hi", "Daddy", "Mom", "ma-ma", "Kitty Cat", "L.E.", ba-ba (bottle)", and he shakes his head "no" and does sign language for "more". Dr. Margot says "oooohhhh....well, Hello Ezekiel" and he looks at her, smiles really big, and says "Hello!" in the sweetest little voice. Then she started laughing and said "this little guy is amazing and so cute!"

His favorite thing is to harrass the cats. It is constant. I'm constantly cleaning out huge fistfuls of hair from his hands. He periodically has a scratch across his forehead from being too rough with them. I try to keep them seperate, but in a small apartment with one rambunctious child and 3 haughty cats it is near impossible. He loves, loves, LOVES to get into trouble. Anything that is not allowed, he tries to do - all the time giggling like crazy. I'm pretty lenient too - he is allowed to do anything that won't hurt him. He is not allowed to bang on the fish tanks, and he isn't allowed to play with cords. That is about the extent of it. Oh, and he can't eat plastic (I'm so mean!). He has discovered that if he hides while being naughty, it takes me a bit longer to discover his antics. I think this builds the excitement because I am usually alerted to his naughtiness by his gales of giggling. I have to set my face, and be all stoic and pretend I'm not getting one heck of a kick out of his giggling, hiding, fun-time. His other favorite thing is to look at you with so much sweetness, say "hello" all song-bird like, and then move in really quickly for the big bite. Usually somewhere sensitive (right below your eye, your chest, your stomach, or my favorite - your big toe).

This weekend we brought him to the Fryeburg Fair. I'd tell you that we all had a great time - but not so much. We got lost going there, so the hour ride ended up being 4 hours in the car. That didn't help Ezekiel's mood (or mine). We had to stop at Walmart for my mom to run in. I sat in her Jeep w/Kevin and Ezekiel until she got back - when she got back, I went to get out and my foot got caught, Ezekiel pitched himself forward, and I just couldn't catch myself. I knew I couldn't let him hit his head on the tar, so I over balanced and twisted and fell and cut up/hurt my knee pretty badly. Ezekiel and I banged heads, but Marty managed to get his hands under us before our heads hit the tar. Later during the day, I realized that I hurt my back and pulled something in my baby-belly too. That was scary. So we ended up leaving after about 3 hours. We swung by my mom's place and let Ezekiel play in the leaves and stuff. We should have just done that - he had a blast (and it was free). Now he is in bed (where I will be heading as soon as I upload these pictures). So enjoy!

At the fair - notice neither of us look very happy:


Daddy and Baby - after the fair, heading home:


Tired and cranky after the fair (Daddy had to ride in the back with him)


FUN! Outside, playing in the leaves:


We payed $8/person for the fair, next time, we just go to Grammy's:








Video of outside at Grammy's:


Getting ready to go home:


Pooped out after a long day:


Little profile:


My world:

OH NO!!

This morning, Ezekiel was being such a great little guy, I figured I could risk leaving him in the livingroom while I started laundry and did a load of dishes. I got the laundry going and popped into the livingroom to check on him - he was doing great! He was playing with his little truck. I went back to the kitchen and zoned out a little...but then a sound got through my sleepiness. I heard a bag of chips being crumpled (I'm intimately familiar with this sound because chips are Marty's favorite and he is always, always getting into them). After trying for about 3 seconds to figure out why I would hear this, I remembered that Marty had a bag in the livingroom last night. I came flying around the corner to see Ezekiel with the entire bag poured on top of him and on the rug. He was stuffing his mouth as quickly as he could as if to say "these are great! now to just eat a few before Mom busts me!"

I couldn't help it; I grabbed the camera.

An Abundance of Pictures~

This post is just plum-stock full of pictures! I take loads of pictures, but I don't get much time to sit here and update. Marty is putting Ezekiel to bed right now and it is nice and quiet, so I was able to upload some pictures (23 in fact). These are from various days and various functions...enjoy (or just skip if you prefer not to be doused in the Matthews).

Last month, we did two lobster fests. It added up to a lot of lobster for Marty; not so much for me. At the first one (they were on back to back days), I ate a lobster claw and about 10 clams and got SO sick. I've sworn off seafood until the end of my pregnancy.

The first was at my mom's. I didn't get to snap many pictures because everyone was in, cooked, then stood up and left. Marty and I hung out for a few hours after everyone left breaking down tables and chairs and just generally cleaning up.

Here's Ezekiel getting ready to start the first Lobster Day:


Grammy and Ezekiel hanging out in the kitchen:


Daddy and E. self portrait "After the Lobster":


Passed Out:


Then, we hit Marty's Aunt Kathy's for our second Lobster Fest.

Ezekiel got to meet Uncle Jeff's and Aunt Feather's dog Byrum of whom he fell in love with (which compelled Marty to shout out to the heavens "I WANT A PUG!")


And again, but posing this time:


Nana, Nana Patty, and Greg enjoying some lobster:


The "Kid" table:


Jenny and Ezekiel hanging out:


The Matthews Boys - Jeff, Marty, and Ezekiel:


Daddy is showing off Ezekiel's first pair of shoes:


Mama has gone nutty with Matthews:


I think Marty had three (?) lobsters and an uncountable number of clams. If you are a lobster lover, come to Maine - they are delicious and relatively cheap ($5.19/lb). We may even let you stay in our spare room....for a lobster....

This is how me and Ezekiel look when we are busy blogging. We are starting him early on the computer (he already has his own keyboard).


**Are you still reading?**

Yesterday we had to do some MAJOR cleaning. Our apartment was being inspected by the fire department today and we wanted the place to be ship-shape. It is difficult to clean when Ezekiel does not want to be put down. Fortunately for us, my sister Beckie made me a Mei Tai carrier (unfortunately for me, it doesn't fit me right - but it DOES fit Marty). Marty strapped Ezekiel on his back and got to scrubbing the kitchen. After about 4 hours of slapping Daddy, pulling his hair, and crumbling strawberry cookie down his back, Ezekiel took a snooze:


HERE COME THE BATHTIME BABY PICTURES! Are you ready for an abundance of cute??

Really happy about playing in the tub:


Mohawk + Crushing Cups On Face = Totally Awesome Baby:


All Clean!


A video of Splash Time:


Done with pictures, done with bathtime, done with lotion - ready for a nap:


It's Self Portrait Time! We love taking self portraits. Maybe a bit much....

Daddy and Ezekiel being silly:


Uh, Oh, Daddy - you missed your head!


Mirror shot after the bath:


And...another...just a little better angled:


And one more for the finish..Mommy and E. being silly:


In the future, I will try to update more often so I don't have to slam everyone with tons of pictures :)

A new video - and it isn't Ezekiel!

We spent the day going to various doctors' appointments today. The first was an ultrasound to check out our little baby's progress. The baby is looking good - he/she is not cooperative at all (even worse than Ezekiel was!). Ezekiel got a kick out of watching the "bouncy thing" on the "tv screen" in the doctor's office. He laughed and laughed. He also made friends with just about every person in the waiting room. He crawled around, smiling at people and then waving goodbye when he was on to his next target. He would have made it through the whole place, but a cute little blond girl came in and sat next to him and he was just a goner. He actually took his Veggie Puffs out of his diaper bag and brought them over to her and gave them to her. Then he just stood there, rubbing her hand, smiling at her. She was an older lady too - I bet she was pushing 3.

My appointment with Dr. Burkley was so good for me. We have been kind of worried about a couple of things for the past two weeks and she just was so positive and proud. She was like "I don't know how you've done it, but you have! You have conquered the odds once again with this pregnancy!" She also said that she was really concerned and really thought that I would have miscarried by now but she said that she *finally* thinks that we are out of the woods with that one. Hallelujah!

As I said, we had our ultrasound today. We got to get it on DVD. I was going to post bits of it, but then decided..ahh, heck, just post the whole thing. If you get sick of it, you can just stop it :) What you see is our little baby bouncing around, being measured, and having the heart rate checked. The ultrasound was supposed to check for Trisomy 18 .. but as I said, the baby just wouldn't get into the right position. But, here it is...ENJOY!

Just a little Dancing Video