memories shared

I wrote this originally to read at Adam's funeral. I opted not to last minute as I did not feel like I would be able to finish. I am posting it here though, because I did write it for others to hear about Adam.

When I found out that I was pregnant with Adam, I sat on the floor and cried. This baby was wanted - planned, even, but I was so scared. Marty watched me for a couple of minutes, then he picked up Ezekiel, helped me off the floor and just danced with us in the livingroom. "This is our first dance as a family of four" he whispered.

For 5 months we marveled at the wonder of the situation. Ezekiel was a miracle baby. How was it that we were being blessed by another miracle? We planned our baby's future, we picked out the outfit he would wear home from the hospital. We spent many hours researching the best double strollers. Marty would kiss my belly and tell Ezekiel secrets about the new baby that was on the way. I would be woken up at night by the baby kicking. I'd whisper to go to sleep, be active in the morning.

I felt Adam kick on Monday, October 8th. On Tuesday, October 9th, my doctor couldn't find a heartbeat. I didn't know Adam's name until he was born - October 9th at 10:17 p.m. He never had a first breath. Our first kiss was shared after his death. When we were discharged from the hospital, we didn't need a car seat - the small box of mementos from his birth sat alone on the back seat.

Adam came into our lives for just a moment. A blink really. But he forever changed us. Our hearts are broken with the loss of him. Every day, they are freshly broken - when Marty reaches out to stroke my belly and then realization hits, when I feel my stomach gurgles and for just a moment I think I am being kicked.

Adam brought us hope. Love. He is our second miracle. I would pray every night that Adam would be happy, healthy, and whole. God answered my prayers - just not the way I wanted.

Forever, we are Adam's family

Someday, I know we will dance again.

The graveyard where Adam is buried (he is in the Children's Section)


Adam's grave (we do not have a stone for his grave yet)


Another pic of the little grave - the flowers were arranged by Ezekiel.


Ezekiel, waiting to go for a walk through the graveyard.


The Crocodile Tears Memory Wall at St. Mary's Hospital. All the plaques are children that have been lost.


Adam's plaque:


Ezekiel and Marty at the Memory Garden:


Ezekiel really, really wants the gourd in the Garden:


He didn't get the gourd - so he is showing his displeasure: